By Nancy C. Osborn, PhD
Now that you’ve been diagnosed with cancer, you’ve probably been given lots of information about treatments and options from medical professionals. You understand what is going on with your body and what to expect once you begin your treatments, but you will probably wonder how to tell your children that you have cancer.
Most parents want to protect their kids from upsetting news by keeping any difficult or confusing information from them.
But your children know you well, and they are sensitive to changes in you—both emotional and physical. They are going to notice these changes, and may even imagine something worse than what is really happening.
If you don’t tell your children you have cancer, and your children later discover the news, even during remission, the trust between you and your child may be damaged. While sharing that you have cancer is certainly difficult information to provide to your children, they do need to know. Here are some tips on how to tell your kids that you have cancer:
- Provide information in words your child will understand. Younger children will want to know that they can’t catch cancer and that they didn’t cause it.
- Provide the facts, but keep things as positive as possible.
- Let your kids know how this may change you both physically and emotionally, and how it will change their worlds. For instance, you may not be home during your treatments, but family or friends will make sure they get to their usual activities.
- Share your (screened for your kids’ maturity level) emotions, because if you share yours, they will know is okay to share theirs. It’s okay, for instance, to tell your kids you are scared, sad, disappointed or angry that you have cancer.
- Listen to and answer questions as best as you can, with their ages and their maturity in mind.
You will need to provide additional information as you gain more knowledge and as your treatments progress. Please be open to asking for help in this process from family members, friends, school counselors, and medical and mental health professionals. It will also be important to keep the family’s lives as routine as possible, because this will provide all of you more security.
For more information on how to tell your kids you have cancer, visit our Resources section.
Nancy C. Osborn, PhD is a psychologist specializing in working with youth and families. She’s had the opportunity to work with youth for more than 25 years. Among her many roles, she is proud to be a spouse, mom and cancer survivor.
NOTE: The information provided above is intended to provide general information on this topic. Please seek the advice of a mental health professional to address your personal situation.
Jen,
What a wonderful idea. As you know dealing with cancer not only affects the person going through it but also touches family and friends. Although Cheryl and I are parents of a child who fought cancer and we dont match the profile of your new site…..we certainly can relate to many of the stories you posted. I so many times have just sat at the end of my daughters bed….late at night to just watch the beauty of her chest rising and falling with each breath. On May 19 we have her annual MRI……it will be 12 years out since her relapse and I worry as much as I did when she was scanned every three months. I often joke that it is my annual diet as I stop eating because I get sick.
You my freind are not only a remarkable person but a great role model for all of us. Your site will give others a place to go to and well…..feel normal as they fight this disease. As I type this I think….”Jen…..awesome. This is so needed”.
So I will leave you with that thought….AWESOME! All my best to you and your family. Love to all,
Chris
Jen, While my kids were older when I received a cancer diagnosis last spring, it still was very difficult telling them I had cancer, especially since they had just witnessed their grandma going through it and ultimately not surviving. So it really doesn’t matter what age our children are, cancer is always hard on them. I think your site will be quite valuable.
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great post Jen. When I was diagnosed, our boys were 3 and 4 years old. At first, we did not tell them, waiting until we really knew what we were dealing with. However, my four year old knew immediately that something was wrong. I got questions: “mommy, is one of your friends sick?” “is one of your friends dying?” Despite my answers, I knew he knew something was up. When I told him another mom would be picking him up at school, a first, he calmly said ok. So resilient, so knowing.
Once we had a plan, we told them that Mommy had some stuff inside her that the doctor had to remove or she would get sicker. My older son, who had recently had some surgery, asked me if I would be going to the same hospital. I said yes. He asked me if I would have the same doctor, I said yes (okay, a good lie). He asked me if the doctor would be using the same tools. I said yes. He promptly told me that I would be fine and scampered off.
When I returned, drains in place, that same son helped me empty them. He is now 9, and remembers nothing, but he learned a lot during that time and has become a caring, compassionate young man.
We never used the word cancer, as my mother was losing that battle. She succumbed to that shortly after my surgery. To this day, I have not uttered that word to them regarding me, fearful that they would panic.
Every child is different, so I am glad you are there supporting all families dealing with cancer.
Elyn
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I’ve over the past several years, had to start using my nebulizer more, and inhalers. I got a cold a few months ago, that just wouldnt go away. I have back problems and get injections every 3 months. I have recently started hurting in the middle of my back, and thought maybe it is from my neck abblation i had done a month ago. I went to the doctor yesterday for a new line of antibiotics,and a chest xray. I just feel in my soul something is wrong. My dilima is that my adult girls, and i arent really getting along right now, and everything i say is just wrong or crazy to them. My oldest daughter is pregnant, and just past her first trimester, and i dont want to do or say anything that would be more stressful than our current relationship seems to be on her. My fear is that my xray wont be good, and i dont know if it isnt, how would break this to my girls. I know i should wait and see what the pronosis is before stressing about how i would go about this…but feel i need to be prepared to do whatever i need to do. Any suggestions?